Good Grief!
So, these last few months have been a struggle. Sadly, I lost my dad unexpectedly, back in August and I still haven’t come to terms with the fact. He was the logic and heart of the family, my biggest cheerleader. When you lose someone that close to you, it feels like you lose apart of yourself, a physical missing piece you don’t know how to repair. He always taught he to ‘suck it up and carry on’ very old school. I had started setting up this website and choreographing my classes for dance before Dad died. He was so excited to hear I was going back to teaching. In June I was about to open my new dance classes and then we got the news Dad had Cancer and had a matter of months to live. My husband was also scheduled for major surgery in July so I felt torn as the hospitals my dad and husband where at where 60 miles apart and my work would be closer to Dad. The day my husband went into surgery, I got a call letting me know my dad had been given a respite placement from the hospital at a care home who also delivered end of life care if needed over the next three months. I knew that my husband would also need support after his surgery and so I wanted to be there to help him with his recovery as his condition was also life threating! I couldn’t lose two strong men in my life at the same time, I couldn’t bear the thought. I put everything on hold to make sure these two important men in my life, my rocks and main support system would have the help and support they needed to survive this unexpected period. My husband’s recovery was faster than expected which was a great relief to everyone. Within a month he was back in the garage tinkering with electrical projects again and gave me the confidence he was back to being self-sufficient in daily life. When I got back to helping mum with dad, we had two more weeks with him and then he passed. I felt guilty for not being there more or doing enough to appease everyone. Add Menopause, being dyslexic and awaiting a diagnosis of ADHD, I had a real cocktail of emotions going on. I went into autopilot for mum, sorting dads accounts and personal documents, death certificate, everything that goes with what felt like erasing someone from the system. I forgot myself for a while, everyone else was more important, the only thing I had for myself was the gym. I would go do class and feel happy and rejuvenated but then felt guilty for feeling that way when everything else around us was falling apart. It was like a double edged sword. Class work has always been my happy place, we know exercise releases the ‘feel good’ chemicals such as endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine. It has been proven that these chemicals improve mood and reduce feelings of pain and sadness. So it made sense why I felt good after class but how do you battle with the guilt that comes after when this same level of joy was meant to ease the feeling of guilt as well? Apparently, this is called ‘happiness guilt’ I wasn’t allowing myself to experience happiness without judgment. It wasn’t a gift it felt like a betrayal to dads memory. This gave me an understanding of how complex grief really is. At first I thought I was depressed yet I found myself able to pull out of this emotion quicker than you would expect someone who is clinically depressed. Coming home from class I’d be bouncing off the walls with joy to then crash with thoughts of guilt and failure because I couldn’t ‘fix’ a hopeless situation. Grief really throws a multitude of emotions at you all at once; sadness, joy, peace, guilt and even relief. I don’t feel I have got to peace or relief yet but I am working on it. So I understood exercise was the one thing that could shift my emotions to a happier place so I throw myself into rebuilding my life back to teaching fitness and dance. Fitness was the new string to my bow I was adding and didn’t really know where to start or what type of main stream fitness class would work for me. Dance fitness has always come easy due to the number of years I have been training but I noticed, when dealing with my own health issues and forms of injuries, dance was not my first go to place. Main reason; finding an adult dance class at a professional training level are few and far between unless you live in the centre of London! And Pilates felt more like a physio session. I needed something that connected me back to the studio, something more choreographed that flowed and not too strenuous. I started looking at the classes I took which help me maintain my own fitness levels. And what do I mainly focus on. Flexibility and strength are what I focus on the most. As a dancer, you are constantly trying to maintain these two abilities. I wanted to teach a class that appealed to anyone at gyms who already recognised the qualification to take me on, an instant class for employment. My own created dance fitness classes can (and will) be set up in gyms but its on me to hire the studio and market for participants. All gyms will recognise a level 2 ETM (exercise to music) qualification which gives you more access to gym class work cover but I wanted something more specific. With a gym being the main access to fitness for everyone, I found Les Mills Body Balance classes delivered everything I was looking for so I found a course and started making that my new goal! I am happy to report I was certified on 9th December. This process has help me focus on something I really want to do knowing my dad would be proud which has eased some of the guilt and sadness I feel from time to time.
What I have learnt is that grief is a long process, no one can rush you through it. As they say ‘trust the process’ but also understand it. Grief can be viewed as good because it shows how deeply you cared. Exercise won’t cure grief but it certainly helps with your mental state.
If you are suffering symptoms of grief please check out the website below, giving you some helpful tips and strategies on how to cope and be kind to yourself.